What it means to be me

August 1, 2010

To start off with, I know this blog is boring, which is probably why I don’t get any readers at all. But I find it therapeutic, so it’s fine by me.

So I’m at a crossroads in my life right now. I attend a Reform synagogue, but I feel like an Orthodox Jew, in the sense that I see the Halacha as binding, and that I believe that G-d gave Moses the Torah, et cetera. I want so bad to go to an Orthodox synagogue, to do what they do and feel what they feel, but I’m afraid that if I become Orthodox, so many things that I love will change.

Right now I’m apart of a swim team that I love, and apparently it’s not very Tzniut. I’ve got mixed reviews on this though, and I am so confused by it all because some people say that it’s still acceptable to be apart of, as long as no one else there is Jewish (and they all attend a Christian school, so I’m sure that they’re not).

Also, I’ve had a boyfriend that I’m very in love with and have been for a year and a half now, and apparently, that goes against Negiah (because, of course I hold hands with and kiss my boyfriend, et cetera), and plus, he’s a gentile! And I just love both of these things (/person) so much, and I don’t believe that G-d could honestly want me to give it up.

I’m just so confused. Because to be orthodox I would have to follow all of the Halacha (most of which I’m already trying to do), and I’m sure I would have to follow the Laws, including keeping Shomer Negiah and Tzniut (I already started dressing tznius, GO ME!!!).

I mean, but there is kind of a way around both. In the way that I can swim around people if they’re Gentiles (and I’m sure that they are, plus I know for a fact that they aren’t looking anyway, because everyone’s too focused on themselves. Plus they don’t associate with “newbies” like me), and, I could see myself marrying this boy (as young as I am). So, aren’t those kind of ways around it?

Oh, Hashem! I am so confused! I want to be Orthodox, and maybe I’m just sorely mistaken, but I was sure that both of these things were things that I have to abide by in order to be Orthodox. The rest I can do, but I just can’t give up these things, and honestly, I don’t believe that G-d would want me to.

I feel so selfish and stupid for even saying it though, because I should want to give it up for G-d, but I mean, I would, I just don’t think that he honestly would want me to give up the two things I love most (and writing, but that’s not breaking any Halacha’s.)

Maybe I’m just a stupid, silly teenager, who doesn’t know what they’re talking about, which is exactly why I’m trying to get into contact with the local Orthodox Rabbi and perhaps visit his congregation.

Also, some other new things: I’m thinking of starting a website for Jewish teens (because really, there aren’t many good ones). I’ve already come up with a name and a concept, and I just have to get my other computer hooked up when I stop being so lazy (it has all of my Dreamweaver, Adobe, Flash, and Fireworks programs on there) buy a Domain, and get started. I’m so excited!

Also, like I said before, I’m keeping Tzniut! Go me! I got four long sleeve under shirts (black, gray, white and cream. all very versatile. I’m going to get more later), 2 knee length skirts, 1 ankle length skirts and some clothes that I  can layer, all as a treat to myself for my big decision. And let me tell you, it’s been a hard one. I mean, I never dressed slutty (I always dressed nicely), but let’s just say that I didn’t leave much to the imagination, if you get what I mean. So this is a big step for me, especially living in the Florida heat. And although a big part of me feels amazing about it, a smaller part of me, a nagging part, keeps saying “what are others going to think,” or “I look like such a dork!”, et cetera. It’s hard, and it’s only been a couple of days, but I think it’ll get easier. I hope it’ll get easier.

And I’ve now donned my yarmulke full time (I didn’t feel right wearing it when I looked like a gentile, and not a proper Frum girl). I love it!

I mean, it’s a big rush of feelings, all of it, you know? I’m trying to teach myself to learn and follow the Halacha, and while it’s so hard, and sometimes I don’t think I can do it, it’s so rewarding.

My next halacha: trying to get my lazy but up before dawn to recite the Sh’ma, and the other morning prayers! While I do daven all of the time, I have a harder time doing the set ones. And while I know I could get a lot of flak for this, I don’t want to do the set ones. I mean, I understand doing the Sh’ma, because that’s required. That one I’m fine with because it’s so pretty anyone and it’s what I start with to feel connected, but as for the others, I feel closer to Hashem when my prayers come from my heart, and not from a book. And, to my understanding, the prayers were written as guides anyway, to help aid those in prayer. But I don’t need them when I can just speak from my heart. It helps me to feel closer and more connected, and reminds me that I am truly G-d’s child. I feel like an imposter saying someone else’s prayers. So while I will get up early to recite the Sh’ma (I’m going to try to start doing that beginning this week), the rest of the morning prayers I’ll leave up to myself, and maybe sometimes use the one’s in my Siddur, when I’m not feeling inspired or too up for lengthy morning prayers ( I can better handle the afternoon and evening one’s, when I’m actually conscious).

(PS. To clarify why I want to go Orthodox, because I want to be more observant, which I know I can do on my own without changing synagogues, but I also want to be around religiously like-minded people)

With love always,

The Jewbie

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