I don’t know who I am

August 26, 2010

or even who I want to be.

I mean, I know that I want to be a writer someday, but that’s a dead end job, so I’ll need to have a real job as a means of supporting myself, but I don’t know what I want it to be. I know that someday I want to be married and have kids, but doesn’t every girl? I also know that I would like to travel the world and maybe someday make aliyah (and that’s a big maybe). I know that I would like to learn Hebrew, and I know that I would like to strengthen my relationship with G-d. I know that I would like to become a better, more observant Jew. I know that I would also like to find out what my place in this world is. Someday, I want to be able to finally break my habit of biting my nails for good. I would also like to change someone’s opinion or view on things. Someday, I’d like to be known for something good, maybe something related to my writing? I would also like to learn how to cook exotic dishes, and I would love to grow my own herb and vegetable garden (maybe a salsa garden? I do love salsa!). I also know that I want to be the best person I could possibly be, but I really don’t know how to go about doing so.

And I don’t really know who I am, because I’m so fickle. One day I’m the sweet, nice, girl, and the next I’m just a mean, cranky, brat who takes their anger out on everyone close. One day, I feel connected to my inner self, and the next day I feel so lost and disconnected from the world. Yesterday, I felt Jewish, at home with my identity and proudly so, and today, I feel like a fraud. Somedays I feel connected to G-d, and other days all I feel connected to are my possessions and how I constantly want more, more, more. Last week I felt beautiful, and this week I feel gross.

I’m so fickle, and I’m always changing. It makes it extremely hard to know who I am or who I’ll ever want to be. And because of this, I just feel so lost. I don’t feel like myself, heck, I don’t even know how it would feel to feel like me!

Is this just a part of being a teenager? Because I feel like I’m looking all over the place for myself, and I just keep running into dead ends every where I turn. Should I hang up missing posters – “Lost: The Jewbie. Looks like: A Jewish girl from Florida. Reward for finding: A big, hug, and salvation from the chaos she might unleash if she remains lost. Please contact me if you happen to run into myself. Thanks”? I mean, really, I just keep searching and nothing is turning up.

If you happen to have any information regarding who I am, or who I could possibly be, please contact me ASAP, because this is crucial to my existence.

Thanks, as always, and stay classy Earth,

The Jewbie


One Response to “I don’t know who I am”

  1. I feel like that all the time. And I don’t think it’s JUST being a teenager. I think being a hormonal girl has a lot to do with it also. Also, I think you’re already a step ahead of most kids who don’t even have a clue about religion and whatnot. Ah the trials of being young and inconsistent.

    Oh yes, I found your blog through Blair.Jones’ 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: