I think if you just read that title of (most) of my blogs, you would know what it’s about without even having to read it. But once again, it’s not like I have any readers anyway.

So I found a new show to love- Rookie Blue. OMH, if you haven’t watched it yet, then you definitely need to, if no other reason then because it’s my absolute, all-time favorite show now (excluding Make It or Break It, Bones, Being Erica, 30 Rock, Lie To Me, Degrassi, etc, etc, etc).

Also, I am hungry, and I’m craving a Big Mac (without cheese, of course. But even without cheese,  it still isn’t kosher, is it? I am so confused by that) and some fries. And a medium Dr.Pibb, no ice, please.

Tomorrow, I’m going to go talk to the Rabbi at the Orthodox Shul that I’ve been trying to get a hold of for a bit now. He said he’d meet with me at 9:30 am, which is fine, it just means that I’ll need to wake up at 8, and so hopefully be asleep by 12 tonight (I don’t like driving when I’m too tired). I am extremely excited, except I think he’s Chassidic, an I don’t want to offend him by wearing the wrong clothes, and Chassidic’s seem to dress even more conservatively then the (apparently basic) Tznius laws that I abide by. So I’ll be wearing an ankle length black skirt, a cream colored long sleeve under shirt, and a white, collared button up shirt on top. I’ll be sweating, but it’s respectful.  I’m so excited to go, though. I’m so excited to finally be doing something that I feel is right, religiously, and hopefully maybe I can get some guidance from him and learn how to follow the Halakha (/mitzvots) more closely (is that even correct grammar?).

So, four more day’s (I’m leaving Friday morning) until my trip to New York! Then when I come back, I have to go to my high school, get my book voucher, go to my college, get my ID and Parking Decal, and then finally, run from campus to campus to get my textbooks for each class. Then, I’ll need to do some last-minute school shopping, and mentally prepare myself for the New World I’ll be walking into. Twenty-one more day’s until my first day of school, ahem, College. Wish me luck!

With more love than you’ll ever need,

The Jewbie


Shabbat Shalom! Except I haven’t gone to temple in a good three weeks, and honestly, it’s making me feel really weird. I really need-not want, but need-to go there this week.

So, the surprise party went pretty awesome. These last couple of stressful days have led up to a really amazing couple of hours, and I think my moms boyfriend really loved it. You should have seen the look of surprise and sheer happiness on his face. It was so great. And there was so much delicious food and drinks, and so many people and I loved it.

It only turned sour when my boyfriend wanted to go home and I ended up acting like a brat about it (I was just so tired already, and I was stressed out from this week, and it was just a topper. I had been looking forward to it, and him leaving just topped off the shitty week I  had been having, excluding the couple hours of the party.) And so we ended up fighting, or rather, I was being mad and crying a ton and he was just taking it, and it stayed like that for a while. I cried the hardest I’ve cried in years (and that’s saying a lot, because I’m a crybaby) and for proof-I’ve had puffy eyes and a stuffy nose for the last couple of hours.  I mean, I was bawling like  a baby, it was pretty bad.  But we made up and I’m going to go see him tomorrow (or rather, later today) and get a milkshake at Steak & Shake probably.

I could never tell you how much I love that boy and how I always want to spend every single second with him, it’s insane. And what’s even more insane is that it’s been about a year and a half and I still get so excited to see him, like tonight, I can’t go to sleep because I’m way too excited to see him tomorrow.  Is that sad?  I mean, a year and a half next week and I still get butterflies, giddiness and super excited, everything. I just absolutely adore him so much.

So I’m breaking the mitzvot of being Kosher, because I’m eating a sausage. Trust me, I feel disgusting, but it’s so good! This is my last one, I have to promise myself no more pig-related foods after this. Except maybe those toasted pork & beef raviolis that are calling my name from the fridge…but after that, NO MORE!

Have you ever noticed how much better food tastes after you get done crying and being sad? Food is so much more delectable after that. Maybe sadness and self-pity heightens the flavors? I don’t know.

So I’m breaking out, again. My face was so clear for a while! And now, my pimples are back and are making my face their home once again, probably for good this time. Maybe I just need to live somewhere where there isn’t much humidity, because I think all of the water in the air is clogging my pores and making it so much worse. I HATE FLORIDA SO MUCH. I really shouldn’t say that, no, I just dislike you immensely, Florida. IMMENSELY.

Well, I’m off.

With more than the adequate daily recommended amount of lovin’,

The Jewbie

Maybe it was just bittersweet.

It started off with little to no sleep, followed by an orthodontist appointment, where my orthodontist told me that my bottom teeth are moving along really well and are straightening out nicely, already, after only a month. I got my bands replaced (pink and aqua, yes, very unique, I know) and a new wire on the bottom. After, I picked up my friend and we went down to our High School to see if we could get book vouchers so that we could get our textsbooks. We couldn’t, so we ended up not going to the college, and we went to this really awesome frozen yogurt place instead and loaded up on our daily recommended supply of chilly treats. It was so yummy, and it was really making up for not being able to get my stuff done, all until we went to go start my car and leave, and my car stalled out. So here I am, freaking out, because I’m not where I’m supposed to be in the first place, I’ve never been stuck in that situation before, and I have no  idea of what to do to. Thank Hashem though because this guy jump started my car (although, long story short, I don’t think I really needed it in the first place), and then my friend and I were off. Ice cream ended up getting all over the passenger seat and my friend as well, somewhere along the way (she’s got a really good streak for really bad luck), but we got home safely. My mom kind of freaked when I told her about it (except I said I was at the school instead of the frozen yogurt place) and was super mad at me for the rest of the afternoon. I had to help clean the entire house, then wash the car (not so much as a punishment as much as it just really needed to be washed) and prepared for the party tomorrow (or, rather, later this evening). Things turned around a little though when my mom sent me to a restaurant to pay for the bill of the food that we’ll be picking up tomorrow, and because we frequent there a lot, and are really good friends with the bartenders and manager and some of the wait staff, they gave me some free food and drink (I was super starved) and I sat around and talked for a while with them, mainly because I had nothing better to do with my night (I was supposed to be at a party) and partly because I didn’t want to do any more work around the house.

So all and all, my day was, well, I don’t really know. There were some really great parts and some really sucky one’s. I guess it was an off day, but not in a necessarily good or bad way.

I really want to be able to fall asleep right now, but I’m way to excited for the party (I am so lame) and to hang out with my boyfriend all day, etc. He’s helping me make a really big Happy Birthday banner for the party and we’re going to finger-paint it (I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am for that. I haven’t finger-painted  since I was like, five.) I also am really excited to eat all of the yummy food. I love food, especially when it’s in abundance and all mine for the taking. And I love parties, especially the ones where there’s an abundance of food (really, how do I stay thin?).

You know what I’ve started to notice? When ever I seem to start losing track of my faith and of G-d, some weird things start to happen (such as my car stalling, etc.). Not necessarily dangerous or bad things, but just like, little reminders I guess. It’s kind of weird, but helpful in a steer-me-back-on-track type thing.

Also, I’ve been feeling kind of weird lately because I’m not used to this new girl I’ve become. I’m not used to being so dedicated to something, and I’m not used to having something I so firmly believe in that I’ll try my best to follow it. I’m not used to dressing or acting this way or doing the things I’m doing, and it’s all going toward something I really believe in with all of my heart: my religion; my faith. It’s so new to me, and it feels like I’m a different girl. I want to “lazy-out” on it and just do what seems simple and easy (such as not doing all of these prayers, reading the Torah, dressing or acting modestly, etc.) but I’m really sticking to it and it’s surprising me. Part of me is a little disgusted by it (the old me) but a bigger part of me is happy to be becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be-a better me.  It’s new and it’s weird, but I honestly think it’s for the better.

B’Ahavah (with love),

The Jewbie

I feel you in my heart, and I don’t even know you.” -Nineteen, Tegan & Sarah

I love that song. I don’t know why, but not many people share the same passion for Tegan & Sara that I have. I think that they are either coming, or just came to Orlando. I wish I could(‘ve) see(n) them.

Tomorrow is going to be a REALLY busy day for me, and yet I’m way to anxious to fall asleep, and I don’t know why. I have an orthodontist appointment in the morning (I have to remember to ask them about why my jaw is constantly hurting now, and I have to get them to pop my wire back in), after, I’m going to come home and eat lunch, then pick Tana up, and her and I have to go to our high school to get book vouchers, and then to the community college to get our books, and I need to get my ID and parking decal. I really need to remember to bring all of my papers, because I probably will forget. Then, I have to come home and clean in preparation for my mom’s boyfriend’s birthday party (the big six-oh!) and then, finally, I get to rest. I hope.

Then Friday is the birthday party, which I hope will be fun. Saturday and Sunday should be rest days (except I think I’m going to go to this “Taste of the JCC” thing on Sunday), and then next week starts another week that my mom insists I’ll need the full time for to clean, pack, and get ready to go on another vay-kay (vacation, for the lingo-inept). My friend wants to do a sleepover Monday night, and then I promised another one of my friend’s some time to make up for not being able to go to her birthday party tomorrow, and I also want to stop by the Orthodox Shul that’s apparently not that far from my house, and see if I can make an appointment to talk to the Rabbi.

Also, I just got my FCAT Writes score back, and, drum roll please, it was a…SIX! Yay! For those of my nonreaders (because I don’t have any besides my boyfriend and best friend) that don’t know what FCAT is, nonetheless FCAT Writes, well, it’s the really stupid test Florida gives out to make all of us feel like we are all really dumb for having to take such an easy and stupid test that Florida honestly thinks we will fail. They either give it to us because they think we’re dumb, or because they want to singlehandedly improve our self esteem by letting us think we’re getting really high marks on a “hard test” that’s actually a first graders homework in disguise. Well, anyway, I digress, FCAT Writes is the writing (obviously) portion of FCAT  and I got the highest score on it (of course, because I’m just such a genius. Aren’t I humble?) which is a six, out of, of course, you guessed right, six. But you’d have to be really inept to not make above a five, or at least a four. It’s so simple, and they give the weirdest, most irrelevant and stupid (I’m really great with my adjective usage) prompts such as (oh, and this one, might I add, is real unique) “Who’s your hero and why are they?” or, better still, “When you grow up, what do you want to be, and why?”

Really, Florida? Are you that creatively deprived that you can’t think of a better topic for us to write on so that maybe, maybe, it might be challenging or even- G-d forbid- interesting? Please, explain to me as to why I would like to lower my level of writing  ability down to that of a third grader’s so that I may answer your inane prompts that have really no relevance to my educational career, or to my life in general. And for another thing, what makes you so sure that I’m so keen on sharing my persona thoughts with you anyway? What if I wanted to keep to myself that secretly, Harry Potter is my hero and that when I grow up I want to be the Headmaster of Hogwarts? You can just take those prompt pamphlets that you so kindly killed many trees for and shove them up your tiny hiney. Thanks Florida, you were always such an important part of my education…NOT.

Anyway, I’m done with that rant. Sorry, I just really cannot stand what the educational systems have come to. They should make us want to learn, not hate it or dread it. Someday I’m going to run a class that kid’s look forward to coming to, that inspires them, and makes them love it (and that “it” is my love, and passion, English, which Florida so lovingly ruins in every aspect). One day, I will have a class, and I will teach kids to love to read, and to want to write. I will touch their inner souls with the some words that I have come to love, and I will show them that there are worlds upon worlds out there waiting to be created by their hands and pencils. Kids will be obsessed with anything reading or writing related by the time I’m done with them. It will be wonderful, I’m sure of it.

On an unrelated note, I got my hair cut today after -eek!- not getting it cut in a YEAR! I had to get two inches of dead ends off (ew), but it looks so great and healthy now. It is weird, because two inches is a lot, but I love it. I also went to this cool spiritual shop (I love those types of places) and found a pretty Mezzuzzah and Chai necklace pendant that I want to get.

By the way, when you get a chance, look up Tartsy on deviantart.com , you won’t regret it, promise. She’s amazing. In fact, one of her pictures is actually my desktop background, and if I had the money, it would also be a poster on my wall, but alas!-(to quote, well, basically EVERY news reporter:) in today’s damaged economy, none of us have any money. But who am I to talk? I don’t even have a job in the first place.

With much love,

The Jewbie

Tell me, where in the Shema does it say to fear Hashem and to instill fear in others so that they may learn to not love Hashem for what he has done for us, but instead fear him for what he may do to us? Nowhere.
So please, people, stop trying to coax others into your faith (whatever it may be) with fear. If your G-d and my G-d are the same, and he is loving, then why do you blaspheme his name and say that we should fear him lest he smite us, instead of we should love him because he gave us life?
Yeah, stop playing G-d and get over yourself.
Thanks a ton,
The Jewbie

So last night, I stayed up late (well, his definition of late, anyway) with my boyfriend, and we talked on the phone for a good two hours. We haven’t talked that long since around last Thanksgiving. It was so nice to finally talk, because I feel like we’re both so busy, and we hardly have any time right now to just slow down and listen to one another. I mean, we chill, but we don’t really talk. We just watch TV or whatever. It was so nice to finally talk once again, and I loved every minute of it. He’s the only person that can make me laugh the way that he does, and it’s like one of those deep, belly laughs that can continue forever you know? He’s the only person who can make me laugh like that. We also chilled tonight, and I stayed over at his house later then I was supposed to (which made my mom mad, because where I live if you’re not 17 yet, you can’t drive after  11pm.) and we talked again. He told me all these funny stories about when he was little (he’s like, the best story teller. He adds so much emotion into everything) and all his like, great or sad memories, it was so amazing. I love hearing him talk, because he isn’t much of a talker. I just mean lately, I’ve been feeling so out of loop with him, because way back in our relationship (about a year and a half ago) we used to stay up late and talk everyday for six hours, and after a while, we just slowly stopped talking us much until this summer, where it’s like, five minute conversations, 10 if I’m lucky. It’s so nice to finally feel like I’m apart of his life again, lol.

Today I had vegetable stew for every meal. My mom made a huge pot of it and is adamant about the fact that I will be eating it for every meal for a very long time. This is my own personal hell. I mean, it’s really good, but vegetable soup for every freakin’ meal today? You have got to be kidding me! And then more tomorrow? Gag me with a greenbean! (My mom is super big on finishing left overs, and she likes to make everything in portions large enough to feed a small country, so I always end up eating the same meal everyday for like, weeks on end. And then she’ll freeze half of it and make me eat it again months later for weeks on end.)

Today, I slept in until 1:30 (1o hours!) which of course afterwards my mom comes in and insists on having me help her with something that I’ve taught her how to do fifty thousand times (she’s technologically inept, especially when it comes to Macs)  And then, I ate vegetable soup (it was a brunch type thing) went back to sleep, woke up and ate more vegetable soup (hey, I have to get in three meals a day here), went to swimming to find out practice doesn’t start up again for another two weeks, when I’m going to New York so I can’t even go for like another month, and so I stayed and swam and practiced anyway without a coach, then I cam home and ate freakin’ MORE vegetable soup (like I said, my mom is extremely adamant on cooking large portions, and trying to finish it in a small amount of time). I think I’m going to be peeing vegetable soup for like the next couple of days with as much as I’m going to be eating it.

Also, my wire came out (again) of my back braces. UGH. This is getting to be annoying. And, I just found out I might have to tell one of my good friends I can’t go to her party, which I’ve been telling her I can go to for forever now and now I have to let her know on such short notice that I can’t, and she’s really going to hate me forever, I am so sure of it.

Also, just in case you’re wondering: I’m eating a whole  can of icing (you know like those can’s or whatever they are of cake icing? yeah, that). It’s delicious. It’s triple chocolate chip or whatever. I seriously need to go to rehab for this chocoholic thing I’ve got going on.

AND, school is starting soon! Where has the freakin’ summer gone, may I ask? This has definitely been one of the best summers in forever.

Well, I’m off now to go mope in my sorrow of not being able to go to the party, and revel in the happiness that I’m getting closer to my boyfriend again, and getting closer to some of my older, good friends.


The Jewbie

Third blog today

August 1, 2010

So I’m like going on a blog craze today (which isn’t so bad seeing as before today, I only had 11 blogs written of the span of the last two months. Just 11! But that’s more or less because I kept forgetting to write, and not because I didn’t want to.) Well, anyway, so I’m reading this one girls blog, (http://inlovebyfriday.blogspot.com/)  and she’s freakin’ hilarious, in the way that it’s some MAJOR nostalgia and I remember having the same exact thoughts and doing the same exact things. It’s like a big trip down memory lane. Anyway, I found out about her (and some of my new other fave bloggers) from gurl.com boards (major geek status, right?). I have to admit though, my all time FAVORITE blogger at the moment? frumpunk (the link should be on the side or something around this page somewhere. check him out, he’s an AWESOME jewish frum blogger!) as well as Jewlicious (but what kind of Jew would I be if I didn’t like Jewlicious? I have to admit, some of their stuff makes me depressed, but I love love LOVE them.)

So on another note, my mom is making some type of vegetable stew whatever thing that I just had to chop up a whole bunch of unneeded vegetables for. But it kind of looks good. Kind of.

And, in just four more short weeks, I’ll be entering my junior year in high school and my frehsman year in college! Wish me luck, I hope I do well and that I love it! I’m so exited about it. See, where I live we have dual enrollment which means I can take classes at the local community college while simultaneously earning high school and college credit for the classes I’m taking at community college. I’m doing full time there this year, instead of taking a couple college classes and mostly high school classes. I just felt like I wasn’t being challenged and I was just so uninterested in the work that I was doing. Boringgg. But now I can take classes that I like (and hopefully, I’ll do well in them!)

Also, I’m going to New York soon to visit my mom’s family and I really want to visit Borough Park (it’s the only Chassidic/Orthodox community I know of up there) and maybe I can find some cute frum stores to shop in or something. I can’t wait to go. The family I’m staying with lives like right next to the mountains, so you look out from the window and there they all are, and they have acres of land surrounding their house, and it’s really just like staying at a resort. It’s so beautiful and peaceful and tranquil and  relaxing, I just am so excited to go!

I also need to do more Torah studying. I don’t do that enough. I also haven’t been davening all that much the past couple of days. So much for trying to be a more observant Jew. But I have been keeping tznius! Go me, once again!

So my boyfriend just got back from a trip to see in his cousins. His cousin that he was visiting lives in the same town as mine, and I haven’t seen my cousin since fifth grade (six years!). I miss him so much, it’s insane. He’s one week younger than me, and I feel most connected to him out of anyone in my family because of that (even though we hardly ever talk). It’s not that I don’t want to see him, it’s more or less that I can’t because I stopped having visitation with my father  six years ago (the last time I saw any of that side of my family). I mean, I can’t say that I miss my dad-that’s just a long story in itself, but I do miss my family so much and I feel like I can’t see them until I make amends with my dad, which I’ve tried doing, but I just can’t.

Also, the weather is getting progressively hotter. To anyone that thinks Florida is beautiful all year around, let me guarantee you something: 80% of the year, it’s the hottest place to be. Hotter than any other state. And the other 20%? It’s the coldest state to be in, excluding Alaska, though I’ve never been there. I can imagine though. It’s not helping that my AC is old and it’s a constant 82+ degrees in here.

Well anyway, because I am a chocoholic, I’m going to go eat  Hershey’s bar while I look at cake idea’s for my mom’s boyfriend’s birthday cake (With as much junk that I eat, I’m wondering how I manage to stay thin. I’ll probably be rather large once I get older and my metabolism catches up to me, and then I’ll be waving good by to the day’s of Hershey’s and Dr. Pepper).

With so much love and so little time,

The Jewbie

Sloth and Gluttony

August 1, 2010

Those are my two deadly sins for today. I’m supposed to be helping to clean the house (little by little, as my mom says) to get ready for a surprise party she’s (my mom) holding for her boyfriend’s 60th birthday. Vacuuming the house, dusting my room, putting away my clothes ( I have this terrible habit of leaving them all on my big, pink, comfy chair near my mirror), amongst many other things. I don’t like cleaning. I mean, I am a relatively clean person, but my mom is like the Clean Police and she likes everything to literally be SPOTLESS. And she has a certain way of cleaning things, so it’s her way our the highway. So because she makes cleaning so difficult, I’ve learned to like it less and less. Let me just let out a loud, exasperated, UGH!

As for another thing, I LOVE Chef Boyardee, which is nothing new, but I’ve been eating a lot of the Chef’s food recently (is it even Kosher? Probably not, but man, can that man cook!) My boyfriend thinks it’s disgusting, heck, everyone I know thinks that my Chef fetish (okay, it’s not quite a fetish, but still I JUST LOVE THE MAN’S COOKING, what can I say?) is just gross. Well, pooh-pooh on them.

So, I’m listening to Jack Johnson. Man, can that man ever SING. I went to his concert in Baltimore (the same night Matisyahu was playing! MAN, do I EVER want to see Matisyahu!<3) and he was just amazing. He doesn’t have exceptional stage presence or anything, but his voice is so melodic and his music so soothing, I love it. (I’ve been lovin’ a lot of stuff lately, haven’t I?)

Can I just say that Rabbi’s are terrible at emailing or calling someone back? I’ve had two or three different instances where I’ve called AND emailed a Rabbi, and none of them ever got back to me. What is it with them and technology?

So, I’m off to clean, eat, sleep, get up, get ready, and (hopefully) do something interesting tonight (my mom says I should take a break, since I’ve been running around every single day and night for about two months straight now. I say, break shmeak, it’s SUMMER! I need some fun in my life, all day err day on da daily.)

(PS. Number of times I said the word “man” in this post: 5. That’s a lot)

Au revoir wordpress!

With so much love to my devoting (nonexistent) readers,

The Jewbie

What it means to be me

August 1, 2010

To start off with, I know this blog is boring, which is probably why I don’t get any readers at all. But I find it therapeutic, so it’s fine by me.

So I’m at a crossroads in my life right now. I attend a Reform synagogue, but I feel like an Orthodox Jew, in the sense that I see the Halacha as binding, and that I believe that G-d gave Moses the Torah, et cetera. I want so bad to go to an Orthodox synagogue, to do what they do and feel what they feel, but I’m afraid that if I become Orthodox, so many things that I love will change.

Right now I’m apart of a swim team that I love, and apparently it’s not very Tzniut. I’ve got mixed reviews on this though, and I am so confused by it all because some people say that it’s still acceptable to be apart of, as long as no one else there is Jewish (and they all attend a Christian school, so I’m sure that they’re not).

Also, I’ve had a boyfriend that I’m very in love with and have been for a year and a half now, and apparently, that goes against Negiah (because, of course I hold hands with and kiss my boyfriend, et cetera), and plus, he’s a gentile! And I just love both of these things (/person) so much, and I don’t believe that G-d could honestly want me to give it up.

I’m just so confused. Because to be orthodox I would have to follow all of the Halacha (most of which I’m already trying to do), and I’m sure I would have to follow the Laws, including keeping Shomer Negiah and Tzniut (I already started dressing tznius, GO ME!!!).

I mean, but there is kind of a way around both. In the way that I can swim around people if they’re Gentiles (and I’m sure that they are, plus I know for a fact that they aren’t looking anyway, because everyone’s too focused on themselves. Plus they don’t associate with “newbies” like me), and, I could see myself marrying this boy (as young as I am). So, aren’t those kind of ways around it?

Oh, Hashem! I am so confused! I want to be Orthodox, and maybe I’m just sorely mistaken, but I was sure that both of these things were things that I have to abide by in order to be Orthodox. The rest I can do, but I just can’t give up these things, and honestly, I don’t believe that G-d would want me to.

I feel so selfish and stupid for even saying it though, because I should want to give it up for G-d, but I mean, I would, I just don’t think that he honestly would want me to give up the two things I love most (and writing, but that’s not breaking any Halacha’s.)

Maybe I’m just a stupid, silly teenager, who doesn’t know what they’re talking about, which is exactly why I’m trying to get into contact with the local Orthodox Rabbi and perhaps visit his congregation.

Also, some other new things: I’m thinking of starting a website for Jewish teens (because really, there aren’t many good ones). I’ve already come up with a name and a concept, and I just have to get my other computer hooked up when I stop being so lazy (it has all of my Dreamweaver, Adobe, Flash, and Fireworks programs on there) buy a Domain, and get started. I’m so excited!

Also, like I said before, I’m keeping Tzniut! Go me! I got four long sleeve under shirts (black, gray, white and cream. all very versatile. I’m going to get more later), 2 knee length skirts, 1 ankle length skirts and some clothes that I  can layer, all as a treat to myself for my big decision. And let me tell you, it’s been a hard one. I mean, I never dressed slutty (I always dressed nicely), but let’s just say that I didn’t leave much to the imagination, if you get what I mean. So this is a big step for me, especially living in the Florida heat. And although a big part of me feels amazing about it, a smaller part of me, a nagging part, keeps saying “what are others going to think,” or “I look like such a dork!”, et cetera. It’s hard, and it’s only been a couple of days, but I think it’ll get easier. I hope it’ll get easier.

And I’ve now donned my yarmulke full time (I didn’t feel right wearing it when I looked like a gentile, and not a proper Frum girl). I love it!

I mean, it’s a big rush of feelings, all of it, you know? I’m trying to teach myself to learn and follow the Halacha, and while it’s so hard, and sometimes I don’t think I can do it, it’s so rewarding.

My next halacha: trying to get my lazy but up before dawn to recite the Sh’ma, and the other morning prayers! While I do daven all of the time, I have a harder time doing the set ones. And while I know I could get a lot of flak for this, I don’t want to do the set ones. I mean, I understand doing the Sh’ma, because that’s required. That one I’m fine with because it’s so pretty anyone and it’s what I start with to feel connected, but as for the others, I feel closer to Hashem when my prayers come from my heart, and not from a book. And, to my understanding, the prayers were written as guides anyway, to help aid those in prayer. But I don’t need them when I can just speak from my heart. It helps me to feel closer and more connected, and reminds me that I am truly G-d’s child. I feel like an imposter saying someone else’s prayers. So while I will get up early to recite the Sh’ma (I’m going to try to start doing that beginning this week), the rest of the morning prayers I’ll leave up to myself, and maybe sometimes use the one’s in my Siddur, when I’m not feeling inspired or too up for lengthy morning prayers ( I can better handle the afternoon and evening one’s, when I’m actually conscious).

(PS. To clarify why I want to go Orthodox, because I want to be more observant, which I know I can do on my own without changing synagogues, but I also want to be around religiously like-minded people)

With love always,

The Jewbie